Away Message

Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

I'll be running around like a Turducken with its head cut off for the next few days, packing, moving*, working, packing, and moving again. Some things are worth doing twice!

Don't cry; I'll be in touch.

*If anyone wants to help throw crap on a truck on Saturday, holler at me.

What's the What*

Here's a quick run down of some recent developments:

1) Wilco at the Cville Pavillion = totally rad: What? Being There? Yes, please.
2)

3) Dave Eggers' new novel, What's the What, is all thumbs so far. Still, I don't take back any mean thing I've said about him in the past.
4) Nilsson Schmilsson on repeat. I repeat. And so on.
5) For those keeping tabs, yours truly, also known to some as Johnson City, is returning to the city of legends, Richmond, VA, later next month. The reasons for this are many and include: "dream job" in human services, weekend-associate time on a Tuesday (and maybe some other days), and Kuba Kuba. But do not weep; the new gig should have me in Charlottesville a few days a month. Also, Spudnuts.

That's all the news. Except for this:

Wherever you are, the Mozzer is with you.

It's Electric. And Terrible.

I am taking taking this opportunity to formally announce my resignation from the field of marrying folks. At least for the near future. This decision is brought on by my recent performance marrying some pals in the most badass spot in Fist City. Things would have gone smoothly had folks taken my advice to "rehearse" a bit, or at least come up with a plan.

Really, if the long-haired and pork-chopped DJ hadn't piped up with a microphone, things would have gone swimmingly. Honest - it would have been ace. I'd written a ceremony that would have brought tears to the eyes of a tyrant. It was that good. But, I've got terrible stage-fright and, forced to hold a wand of amplification and be louder than my own voice, I choked. It didn't help that some goon sat directly in front of my associate, blocking my eye line to a friendly face.

I couldn't turn the pages of my notes. Instead, my stomach turned; I began to sweat. A lot. I'm sure that, in some ways, I looked like I was about to die. I like to be prepared but was compelled to "wing it." The sky cracked and the earth shook. One of my eyeballs popped out. I might have even burped a little.

Luckily, I don't think anyone could hear me. I had never held "a mic" before. I was doing it wrong.

So, I'm stepping down. Unless, of course, some famously rich couple comes along and wants to pay the big bucks to have me stand in front of them, mumble, get sweaty, and drool down my chin. If that's you, hit me up - I just might be your man.

Jamestown Recap and a List

When you visit the Jamestown Settlement, one of the first things you will notice is that you're not at the actual location of the Jamestown settlement. That is, apparently, next door. You'll get over this fairly easily, however, once you learn that this is the only American theme park that the Queen of England has visited. Twice! But you'll get pretty bummed again once you discover that there are no roller coasters.

The second thing you'll notice is that you are actually on Mars.


But, apparently there are earth chickens on Mars, so don't worry.


Then again, this dude might try to shoot you with his match-lock musket:


But don't worry, they have escape craft ready for you.


History rules! Particularly when it's totally fake. I mean, recreated.

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Here is a list of things I am looking forward to for the next few months:

1) New Bruce Springsteen album. WITH the E Street Band.
2) Trying and likely failing to buy tickets to Bruce Springsteen WITH the E Street Band.
3) Listening to the new Bruce Springsteen album. WITH the E Street Band. (Seriously, I'm calling Clarence's publicist to see if I can get a listening session.)
4) Dressing up for Halloween. My associate and I might go as The Carpenters. Wicked!
5) Pretending to be Bruce Springsteen while I brush my teeth.

Pork Boat Part 2

It was a good meal.

Pork Boat!

For the past four months or so, my associate and I have been planning a visit to Kuba Kuba. Some of you know this place. To those of you that don't, think pork. Lots of it. And all of it delicious. Oh, yes, and other stuff, too, like tostones, and black bean soup. Pork!

The thing is, neither of us have ever ordered anything that wasn't a sandwich or tortilla. Tomorrow evening, we change that. We're going "whole hog!" Appetizers! Wine! ENTREES! Desert! Everything and the works! I'm getting chills just thinking about it.

Jealous?

The next time you see me, if I don't die, I will surely be fatter. I have long been a member of the clean-plate club. I don't plan on changing.

---
Forthcoming - pictures of a pork boat and maybe a bloated radio.

Moby Rick!

It's too hot out to read my lunch break away. I was only able to get through half a page of my rereading of Moby Dick. I stumbled upon this sentence - "Nothing exists in itself."

Now, I am going to base my second interpretation on the idea that Ishmael is a complete and utter solipsist. I'll let you know how it goes.

Take that, Harold Bloom.